You really

So this is Reality?

Life is completely insane.  My family is driving me nuts.  My nana needs this and that and everything else.  Dad's working all the time.  Tommy's become a grouch from hell.  Dad's GF is about to drive up the fucking wall.  Mom is fine, I guess.  She's about the only one who isn't driving me crazy.  This all feels so fucking surreal.  I wish I could just forget about all of this and pretend nothing is different, but I can't.  I can't.  My family needs me and it's not the right thing.  But Damn, it's sooo fucking hard to deal with.  Nothing feels right.  Living doesn't feel right without him....  I'm stressed out beyond my limits, I'm getting sick because of stress.  I'm PMSing like crazy and I just want to yell at everyone.  I'm so confused and upset and hurt and I just don't want to do this anymore.  I almost wanna give up completely, but what good would that do?  None.  I just don't want to live this life.  I'd trade my life to be with my grandad.  If only dreams did come true... Unfortunately it's only nightmares which come true.   I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Bad thing happened today...
addingmorescarstothecollection.... feeling something real, so fucking real.
life... God, this is just what I need... more pain and heartache, more baggage to weigh me down...

Gone...

Happiness Rays? Who the hell beams happiness Rays?

Apparently I do...  My God, I'm losing it.  Today I went crazy, litterally.  I was working and all of a sudden I lost it.  I was singing and dancing to my own beat.  I was talking to myself and actually caring on a freakin' conversation.  Then I began to scream, "I'M RADIATING HAPPINESS RAYS!!!! HAPPINESS RAYS FOR EVERYONE! FOR YOU AND YOU AND EVERYONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!".... apparently the sun no longer beams UV rays, but happiness rays.... what the fuck!  Who comes up with that?  Who even thinks that? Not a normal person, that's for sure.  Not your typical everyday folk.  Nope.  So what does that make me?  a loser.  wierd.  insane. crazy.  an idiot. 

This whole up and down thing is so fucking annoying.  Sooo annoying.

:-/

I'm so off track.. so completely off track...

Summer:
Hate.
Disaster.
Insanity.
Speeding.
Lost.
Uncontrolable.
Miserably hot.
Lonely.

I don't know where to begin.  But I'll begin somewhere.

First, I'll just remind myself that no one cares.
Second, I'll remind myself that they have no reason to.
Third, I'll caution that this may be insanely whiney.  I've become really distraught and I need to unwind.
Forth, I'm weaker than ever.  I've fallen.  No one is home inside.  I'm not home inside.  I'm lost as can be.  I am exhausted.  Both mentally and physically.  I am extremely pessimistic right now.

So, My Summer.
I've been working my ass off all summer.  I hate my job.  I can't wait to quit, which is in two weeks.  I am volunteering, though, which I love.  I'm volunteering at Kidzu, it's a children's Museum.  But, the down side is that it's every weekend, so I have no free time, at all.  I'm taking voice lessons, which are amazing.  I love my voice teacher.  I'm in therapy, again, but I need it.  I'm also on meds, which I'm hesitant about.  I've had crazy panic attacks.  I've never felt this out of control.  I can't control anything, atleast that's how it feels.  I'm not cutting, thankfully, but I've found release in mental "cutting".  I criticize everything about myself.  I have no self esteem.  I haven't had physical contact with people who aren't my family since the beginning of summer.  I've been working 7 days a week.  The 4th was my only day off this summer.  All this work is dragging me down.  I feel like I'm truely losing my mind.  Going insane.  Losing it.  But what's to lose when there's never been anything true?

Speeding
Slow down
Take a break
Grab the reins
Take Control
Darling, your speeding
Your control is sliping
You can't continue on,
Not like this
This path your taking
It'll screw you up
This path your making
It'll make you crupt
Hold on, dear
Your sanity is at stake
Let off the gas
Don't make this mistake
Slow down
Let yourself relax
Don't get yourself in a bind
Please, don't be blind
Slow down
Grab the reins
This car only goes faster
It's time to slam on breaks.
control
power
sanity
No time for sleep
No time for food
Don't work
Don't play
Wait, that's no way...
Work, no
Play, yes
Find yourself
Locate your home
Find a resting spot
Breath
It's just a matter of time
Don't wait
Breath in
Breath out
Laugh
Cry
Control your world
Your Thoughts
Your Life